


bones

by JaguarCello



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Introspection, Time War, dark doctor, doctor centric, just a sortie really, no particular time frame, play "spot the episode/character" if you like, this is a silly little thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-19
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-24 01:21:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/933450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaguarCello/pseuds/JaguarCello
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor knows the songs of his companions will end, and sometimes he can tell when or where. But he remembers the tunes, and they dance through his head like drums.</p>
            </blockquote>





	bones

“Do you ever hear them?”

 The Doctor looked up, and put down the screwdriver. “Hear who?” he asked, casually, but his fingers were clenched around each other. He looked away from the door – an old battleground, where nebulae burned for thousands of generations, and the bones of old spaceships creaked in the solar wind, and the faces of ghosts, where the skin of one world was thinning, could be seen in the flames of the gas-giant star-children, and he had called them “memories”– if you looked closely enough. But the Doctor looked back at his hands.

Rory shrugged, exchanged a glance with Amy, and then turned back to him.

 “The men you once were. The man you are now, fighting with the ghosts of your past. Do they ever bubble up from below the surface? When you’re angry at me, are you angry because I did something that one of your other _companions_ ,” and he grimaced, and Amy frowned. She stood up from where they’d been sitting on the steps, and came to stand next to the Doctor.

 “You talk in your sleep, you know. All those names – all those faces you must know. All those lives you’ve lived, and people you’ve loved, and people you’ve left – do they stay with you, when you’re gone?” She reached out, and unpicked his fingers from the vice they had become. The TARDIS hummed in the background, a pulsing, calming murmur, as if she knew he was upset.

 “The lonely god,” said Rory, and the Doctor started, but let Rory continue. “You can decide, with a flick of a switch and a grin and a stumble, who can live, and who can die. No, it’s more than that – who _should_ live. Nobody should have that much power, but you dare to disturb the universe, Doctor, in ways that most of us wouldn’t dare to dream of. And – do you ever frighten yourself?” He looked down at his lap, as if he’d gone too far. The Doctor sat, frozen, and Amy put a hand on his shoulder.

 “You talk in your sleep,” Amy said again. “And I know we’ve been – “ she risked a glance at Rory, and blushed – “we’ve been wrapped up in ourselves, a bit. But you’re my – our – best friend. You can tell us, if you’d like.” Her hand slipped off the Doctor’s shoulder, and she stepped back slightly.

 “Do you know,” the Doctor began quietly, “what it feels like to extinguish entire races? Entire galaxies? To seal off a universe from this one, to save both, and lose everything you ever cared about? Except it’s not everything you ever cared about – it’s what a tiny aspect of the sprawling _mess_ that you are and was and will be, cared about. And you know that you will change your face, your mind, and someone different will stand there in your clothes, surrounded by your friends, and he will see them differently.” He paused, and flicked a switch; the lights dimmed, until Amy and Rory could barely see his face – just the sharp angles of his chin and cheekbones, and his eyes.

 “I hear them, yes. My accent can change. My entire personality – I’ve been brash, I’ve been burning with anger and a will to destroy, I’ve been almost _fatherly_ in ways I never was to my own children, because they were stolen by war – “ Amy shot a terrified look towards Rory, and he stood, and walked up to them, treading carefully in the dark. The Doctor ignored them. “I’ve killed so many people,” he whispered, and his anger was a quiet one, and that made it all the worse. “I am capable of killing so many more. I’ve lost so much to this _damned_ universe, and others beside. I’ve met the Devil himself, and it’s true what they say – the abyss stared back at me, and it had my own face. I can see every moment in time that ever was, and that ever will be, or that ever could be – and I know, more than any _human_ could compute, that – “ he half-spat the words, and then forced a hand through his hair, and stood up, as if unable to contain the pain that raged through him.

 “I know more about this universe than I ever wanted. I know the filthy impulses that humanity has, the deep loves and burning rages, and I can feel them too. The earth is spinning below my feet, the universe is expanding, and every time I breathe there is more space in my lungs. I can hear them, yes. Every day, and every night. And sometimes – “ he drew a deep, shuddering breath – “sometimes they’re screaming. They slip into dreams, and are torn out of them by my actions. As ever.” He tailed off, and then looked down at his feet.

 “Doctor, I’m sorry,” Amy said, quietly, and the Doctor looked at her. “We were worried that you – “

 “That I was brooding about the fact that you two are spending so much time in darkened corners, or – what did you call it? Exploring? You think being alone is a _novel_ thing for me? I murdered all of my people, Amy. Apart from one. And then I watched him die, just to spite me. And then when he came back, he destroyed the man I used to be – and I am so grateful that when I was myself,” and he gestured at himself – “that I met you. Because without you – I’d have torn time apart, ripped space into fragments, just to fuel my rage. I broke laws – laws that were once governed by my people, and I turned my back on them just to win. My song was ending, but I couldn’t accept it. My head was,” and he half-grinned ruefully, “up in the clouds, in a world where nobody left and nobody died and I could _win_ for once. It was madness, and my victorious hearts beat like drums... But _you_ – “ and he looked them both full in the face – “You Ponds, with your insistence on human rituals, and table manners, and radio shows when we can get them. You ground me.”

 Rory looked around the TARDIS, still humming its lullaby, and then outside the open door, where comets whirled and fireballs danced and old stars died, where new ones groaned into life or ignited the lumpen shapes of junk-metal, until they burned like Catherine Wheels. “Ground you?” he said, and Amy rolled her eyes. “I’m ignoring that comment,” the Doctor said, and the lights flickered back on. 


End file.
